I’ve noticed in the past couple of weeks just how restless I am now! I feel a bit like an antsy child who can’t sit still. I think the past few weeks of work, especially since it’s been with nice children, and a great schedule working in the mornings with the rest of the day free, has been really good for me. It gave me nice amounts of work to focus on, something constructive to do and a feeling of accomplishment, all before lunch time five days a week! I then noticed that on mornings I’m free, I sort of wander around aimlessly at home for a while, obsessively check email and blogs on the internet, hoping for entertainment and distraction. Then I sit around for a while, maybe reading a tiny bit in an unfocused manner, and by about 9am my mind is already full of random thoughts and I feel wound up so tight like a kid on Christmas eve, waiting for things to happen, wishing time would speed up, wanting, wanting, wanting things! I just feel like I have a huge ball of energy trapped inside me just waiting to burst out!
I feel like I need motion. I’ve been taking time in the mornings, sometimes even just ten minutes to sit on my meditation cushion in the lovely bright living room, attempting to meditate. Or if I can’t even focus on my breath, I try to one by one notice and release my busy thoughts and instead focus on actually being in the room. Noticing the sun and clouds and blue sky, the plants on the table in the corner, the various tweets and chirps and squawks of the seagulls and crows and swallows and other little birds outside, the colours and textures and shapes in the room. Even there, I want to sway, to rock, to stretch, to fidget, and part of me wants to bolt up off that cushion and just do ANYTHING! But if I sit there for a while patiently with myself, I gradually can actually connect to my surroundings, at least for a few minutes.
The other day Richie and I were chatting with a friend, after our hospital visit, and I think she summed up my current feelings so well when she compared waiting for the baby to getting ready to move to another country. You’ve made this big, life-changing decision, and you can’t help but feel anxious, overwhelmed and excited about it. You keep imagining what it will be like, even though you can never really know beforehand. You sort of just want to hurry up and get there, to begin this huge new experience, you feel ready to do it NOW, but on the other hand, not quite ready. It’s hard to go about normal life with these big momentous changes looming on the horizon.
Today I plan to do a few things around the apartment, not too much, but things that really should be done. And then my other goal is to cook dinner. Not too ambitious. But now I’m waiting for Richie to come home from work and I really want to go out for a walk or tea or whatever! Just being out and about, with all the sights and sounds of the world to distract me, plus talking, talking, talking- very therapeutic… I seem to feel much more relaxed and centred when I’m out than when I’m at home these days.